KEEP IT PUSHING

“Keep it Pushing”… a line that’s been coming out of my mouth pretty often these days. It’s got a lot of uses though and I want to talk about it.

So the idea in my mind behind this catchphrase is that it sets the tone for the direction of what’s next. The ultimate conclusion of every decision is to do, whatever it is. We get so lost, caught up, stuck, whatever you want to call it we put our life on pause to try and figure out what the fuck is going on. What does it fucking matter!? Keep it pushing, on to the next, “this isn’t gonna hold me back anymore than I let it” just spoken in fewer words.

I can view my life from different perspectives and angles. I like to act on my positivity but hold in my negativity. That I either bury or turn into relatable content because fuck, it seems like everyone is happier than they actually are and I am just a human ball of energy typing into a laptop unable to really convey my inner thoughts but doing my best… so in lament terms don’t put what I say next to 100% my opinion, belief or mentality. I like to explore myself, figure out things. In order to do that I have to think, change things up, add and subtract details or change decisions to see different outcomes. I want to figure out what went wrong and why but it can be bad to think like this when trying to be a productive person with a busy schedule. So here I am, taking some time to learn about myself by writing about myself. If that sounds crazy so be it but otherwise I just completely contradicted my ordinal statement of “Keep it Pushing”. So i guess ill finish my thought..

I want to live by this rule. It’s hard. I focus on the things I need to work on. I want to release the anchors of life. You’d think after all the psychedelics’ and pot and long nights staring into empty space I would have figured it out by now. Well, I did figure out a lot, that’s true, but I didn’t learn how to get over the true hurt. Yea, i’m hurt okay. It’s called an Ego. I have one and it’s fucking crazy. I want to understand and control it but why, that’s ego driven. To become what? Perfect? Part of me yea. I think it’ll change the past but I know it wont. I want things I can’t have so I want them to come back. I made mistakes and ruined my own fucking life. Is it actually ruined? No, from many perspectives it’s one to envy. I agree with that and acknowledge it daily. However if you were me you might not always feel that way. Sometimes I look up at the sky and I talk to the universe. “you put me in a trailer”, “when are you gonna show me what I have to do”. The universe doesn’t respond with anything more than a projected thought to my mind-”Keep it Pushing”. So fuck it. Here we are.

Isn’t it hard sometimes to talk without constantly having to justify your thinking or have to make sure the person knows that you aren’t a conceited depressed dickhead. I just be feeling man. I just wanna get it off my chest.

I’ve been grinding everyday since to try and find myself. Constantly telling myself and others to follow their truth. Sometimes though the truth is not something you can follow. It’s not something you can live with so you have to put it aside, save it for when you are finally done for the day, nothing left to think about so you go back to it. I go back to it. I See it all like it was yesterday and it hurts. I look back over my content from the years and i just wonder why. My path is so confusing to me and so many others. I can’t make up my fucking mind. I want to grow, I want to understand and I want to fix it. Experience shows you don’t often get all three and your lucky to get even one.

Only got one life to live though. I’m learning from my mistakes. There’s things i say ill never do again which I probably will, but there are other things i will never do again. I’ve changed. I may still be in pain but that comes with caring. Otherwise everything is different now. I have good friends who love me for me, want me to succeed and see more in me than i see in myself sometimes. My family is still funky but I’m closer with some relatives than I’ve ever been and it has truly filled my heart with love. Why does that make me want to cry.

The past is the past, leave it there. I’m speaking vaguely because I’m still manifesting and I don’t want to fuck it up. The details aren’t important anyways. They aren’t as relevant as the emotions as those are just as relatable. Psychedelics. Interesting topic. I love them for some reasons that make me sound hypocritical noticeably the idea that they help you get through emotions and thoughts that don’t end. Here i am though, just begging to finish the thought emotionally. To be done with it.

Where i am now versus a year ago is night and day. I am much stronger, much more willing and able. I used to really embody my pain. i couldn’t hide it inside so i became it. A boy raised with conviction turned into a man full of doubt. I love myself for not staying there and i know i wont ever go back.

The desire to succeed and get what i want is there. I’m willing to do the work. I just need to find the right path. See where i need to place my foot because im ready to take the step no matter the distance as long as its putting me forward.

It’s so hard to understand the heart. The mind speaks in pictures and words but the heart speaks with emotion and passion. The noise is deafening sometimes but barely decipherable. I can feel the energy, I understand that there is a desire for understanding but I’m sorry heart I’m struggling. Your like a baby, you don’t want the milk, you don’t want the binky, you don’t want the fucking toy what is it!!! Fucking bastard why do you have so much control. Chillll Zac damn. It’s okay though I love this. I can step back and say I’m grateful for all of this. For everything life throws at me I’d rather be here than anywhere else. I’ve contemplated death, thought about what it truly meant and I fucking refuse to meet that day for as long as I can. I’ve decided. It took time but leaving is never the answer. We are all given opportunities, gotta start taking them and learning to use them to your advantage. We’ve all been there or will be and as long as you decide to Keep it Pushing, it’ll be alright. I know I’m gonna be alright.

All of this is why we keep it pushing. Why we set goals that don’t have limits, set minimum expectations of ourselves that we can never break. Develop a moral code to guide you and always look to gain the knowledge to know how to handle future situations more tactfully and delicately. I want this to be positive. I want to learn the lesson of Love in its purest form. I want to help people the way I’m helping myself. I’m struggling but here I am. Full disclosure. I can’t hide from myself so why hide from you. Life is crazy but it’s beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you see the bright side of every situation you face.

Much Love, Zac