Sick and Tired of Being Sick and tired

Do you guys ever feel this way? It just seems to be a recurring theme in my day to day life… and it’s getting old…

Im literally sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to feel love and return it to the world but its so difficult and I don’t know why…

Ive struggled for years to believe in myself, to truly think that there is importance and relevance to my life… the thought that I can actually make a difference in this massive world is something i’m obsessed with and honestly depressed about.

As a kid I guess my perspective was interesting. I was emotionally raised by my mom and she always showed me the bright side of life. To look beyond the bullshit and find the good in something, someone, anything… it didn’t matter as long as I didn’t keep my head down for too long. So I did…. I turned the world into a beautiful place in my mind while simultaneously carrying a box cutter whenever I was out in public with my mom. Yea, me, the little kid holding moms hand with a knife in his pocket ready to be everyones friend and my moms first protector because I knew… I knew what the world really was and I chose what I looked at. My mom is an amazing woman. She kept it real with me and made sure I had street smarts, helped me learn curse words so I knew what they were, and why you shouldn’t say them. Explanations go far for a child, especially the ones that need to understand in order to listen… I love her for that and I love her more for giving me the ability to change my perspective but sometimes I wonder if it came at a cost.

You see the thing is, no matter how we are raised no matter what great skills we pick up along our path, we will still be defficient in some aspect of our life, some way. Because our parents aren’t perfect and they are responsible for teaching us how to understand our literal selves. I know now that I must relearn everything I thought I knew because I was still not seeing things clearly and it was hurting me. I didn’t know how to turn away from toxicity because I was turning every negative situation into a positive and when I could, I turned to Turning off my emotions to accomplish the goal. This only happened because my goal went from being happy and keeping others happy to not caring about my own longterm happiness but short term breathing. Meaning I started doing things that would get me out of situations alive but wouldn’t actually solve anything.

Over the years in all of the areas of my life and the people that I had let get close or had no choice but to be close with ended up exploding. It had gone too far, I had let people walk over me for too long and I was mentally so fatigued, so terrifically sad that I turned to anger. A default setting deep inside me, a learned behavior from my past, it took me over and became my reactionary self. Sadness disguised as Anger is honestly the fucking worst. Especially when you start to lose control. I felt myself over time develop insecurities I had never had before and I just couldn’t keep up with the fake life I was living. I wasn’t happy and everyone around me was the reason and that… that is 100% my fault. Learning the lesson of boundaries is so painful and honestly I wasn’t able to heal until I really saw that the blame was on me and I was always in control and I always am. That control is always there and we choose to keep it or lose it. Normally I make the unconscious decision to fuck myself over and react incorrectly but time has taught me patience and so I keep growing as a person. I keep breathing my way though the bullshit and focus on the things I can control… the things you can’t control are what hurt you the most, so let it go.

Fuck it’s so shitty but that’s what it is.

Not everyone will stay in your life forever. Whether they were meant to show up or not is up in the air but the fact remains that when someone leaves, its either. lesson or a lashing. You have to choose to keep your head up and look past it. To understand that even when things seem so personal, so much an attack directly at you and your literal soul but its not… nothing is and nothing ever has been. What you are experiencing is someone else’s entire life of pain coming at you in a singular blow. Which is why it is so strong and emotional and hurtful. But you shouldn’t let it be that way. I try to see what I might have done, where they might be coming from, what has happened to them to make them emotional in a way I wasn’t ready for or don’t understand. What matters is that you don’t let someone else bring you down… right? I mean, thats what they say. thats what I say. but here I am writing this and opening up about the fact that sometimes I feel fucking broken. Like can’t understand anyone or anything. Like i’m an alien who doesn’t belong here and can’t grasp reality here.

I just wish.. idk.. that it was easier to understand. Like I spend my entire life trying to beat it… I don’t stay in bed anymore I get up I do what I have to do. I put the smile on my face to get through my days because I know I can’t ever stop. If I ever turn around to the person I used to be it would crush me. What a broken soul I was. I kind of still am but i’ve flipped that into a positive and understanding one that can truly connect and understand others. funny how contradicting that sounds but its true. I struggle so much in my closer relationships than in my fleeting ones. Is it because I let the wrong people close or because its wrong for me to let people get close. Is it wrong because there is something inside me that will never be happy, will always be upset or hurt. Is this truly the person that I am? I really don’t think so but I do feel this way.

I often go on long drives as I have a 45 minute drive to work and back. Those drives are something special and also something eye opening. I don’t really listen to music I normally just think. I just think about who I am, how i’ve interacted with others, where i’ve succeed and where i’ve failed and try to figure out why. Why do I fail so much though. Why did I let things happen. I had to lose so many people I loved just to realize it was my fault and that if I had been stronger in character and self I would have created Truer friendships and stronger bonds that may not have been broken so fast, even though I wasn’t the instigator my response to being “fucked with” is twisted. I push it away. I don’t want it anymore its broken to me. that makes me sad. This may sound fucked up but… sometimes when I think about them I pretend that they died. I pretend that the person I used to love is dead so that way I can cherish the memories with them without questioning myself or being questioned. When you split ways with your best friend and your partner is bringing you down every time you mention there name but you can’t help it because every good memory has them in it…. it fucked me up. I didn’t know how to feel because everyone thought I was so wrong to be sad or to care. “they did xyz to you why do you still care” they’d say… I don’t know… because I do. When I love a human it is realer than anything else. Someone said to me actually just a couple days ago, “ I pray to god not to protect me from my enemies, but from my friends”. What a quote, it really spoke to me. I can see how this makes sense, how a strong willed emotionally locked human can lose his mind when something unexpected happens. To run around not trusting the people closest to you, your quality of life goes down. But it also goes down if you aren’t conscious and don’t watch your back. Theres so many things I do to fix my mind but this is the dirt right here. The inner thought garbage that you don’t want others to know or judge you on or tell you any different. But I am focused on change thats why I do what I do.

Im so fucking sad that i’m pissed and I am fighting to be happy. Thats what it is.. i’m a fighter. when something gets to me I don’t back down I don’t look away I face it head on. So many things though have hit me sideways. I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t know it was ever possible, I didn’t think they could ever. Im only 24 years old and people may say i’m young and haven’t experienced anything but they don’t know me. They don’t know how my mind works, how things effect me on a deep deep deep emotional level and that I am always seeing the secret psychology in my environment that is actually determining the results rather than the physical words or actions being deployed. Read that again. Being overly consious of others pain and lashing out is a blessing that allows you to really take control and help fix things in a very mature and understanding way, but if you don’t combine this with staying true to yourself and what you allow, it will crush you. you see… the thing is… everyone has an excuse. Remember that one? I heard it most from my middle school teachers for being late to class everyday. Now I hear it within myself to put my emotions down and also to push myself through it. Something in me wants to be perfect and my idea of perfect is based in moral. In how you appreciate life in every way and in how you share your energy when not even trying. I don’t want to try, I want to be wholesome once more. Like the naive teenager I once was who never cried, didn’t believe in anxiety, and never wavered from my decisions. I made good choices then, you couldn’t question me because it was always right and when I was wrong I would show humility because that is also within my idea of a perfect self. To be able to be wrong as much as I am right because life is an ever evolving spectrum of fractals and pieces. You can never truly be right or truly wrong but holding confidence in your course was something I truly admire about my old self.

have you ever thought about what it would be like to talk to your old self. One you admired, maybe one you are glad you moved past from, there are many versions of my past self but my favorite is that confident unwavering kind soul I was and sometimes am. I wonder what he would say to me. He’d probably give me a hug… the thought just made my eyes water if i’m being honest. If i’m being honest I would love to hug that kid version of myself. I see that in my mind I love him like a little brother. the tears are here now but its okay ill keep typing . Fuck. No its a good thing just let me finish the hug in my mind. He’d probably sit down and ask me questions. I know because I thats what I would do now. I still have that. It makes me feel better in this current moment. I am grateful that I started writing this. He grabs me by my shoulders and looks me in the eyes, he says to me, “Zac, we are still the same person. I never left, I am still within you and you see me all the time. I am that piece of light you carry in the darkness”.” Your past self, me as I am speaking to you, is you. We are still the same…We are still the same.” Who the fuck did you think had your back all those years. Why do you think you never left this place early? Yea you had Kai but more importantly, you had me. Your idea of your truest self.” “I can be your guide” he says to me… “if thats what you need to see me as then so be it. But do not put yourself down to a level lower than me because life is truly like a game and each level gets harder. I can not understand you like you understand me because you have been me but I have not been you”. Those are powerful words. My past self experiencing what my current self has experienced would lead both of us to the same place. What this means to me is that my perspective is what has changed, not who I am. I have become focused on being a past version of myself but that is not who I want to be either. I wouldn’t trade the pain. I wouldn’t trade the experience. It’s too much. It has brought me to my knees but it has brought me to the tops of mountains too.

My past self is proud of my current self. He gets it… I get it… I am grateful for life and this is what it is. I see that. My purpose is to help others. That purpose is what keeps me going. I love self gratification and choose to seek it in others victories. I learned how to make life fun and interesting and when I didn’t know what to do with myself I found my answer. I may look like a selfish ass stoner but I know that all my experiences will eventually help someone else. Every. single. thing. is. a. lesson. Either learn it or keep experiencing the pain of it. I have been able to relate to so many people who are experiencing pain on such a deep level that their literal psychology is out of touch. To truly feel alone on this planet is baseless. You are never alone you just haven’t tried another way. I learned to open up about myself and my struggles in a way that doest create baggage but connection. Empathy. Understanding. Hope. Sometimes you see people hurting or they see you and theres that eye to eye connection where you get a mental zap of “you are okay man.. I got your back”. Its rare but you’ve done it for someone else if you haven’t at least received it. if you haven’t done either look around, a lot of people need that mental hug of no solution but acknowledgment of the suck. Embrace the suck. It is what it is. theres still a million things to smile and laugh about you just have to look for it. Its your choice how long you look away.

I love you guys thank you so much if you read this far. I think i’m gonna just wrap it up here for now. I just want all of you to know that these days, I have the time to read my emails. So if you need that ear i’m gonna offer mine. I know what its like to feel sucky and i’ve felt it in so many ways for so many reasons. Heres the thing. In my arena, my world, I will always be the champion. I will always be the hero and the victor and no matter what that will be the ending or die fucking trying. This life obviously has more going onto with it than society understands. I don’t know if any religion is the answer. I think humans are the answer. We are all on the same spectrum, which means we can all be brothers and sisters if we allow it to be so. What a beautiful world it would be.